Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Thu Nov 25, 2004 at 01:35:34 am EST
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Three Families, Part Three
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Three Families, Part Three


After landing and securing the Epitome Express at Scott Air Force Base, Dominic Clancy removed his costume, substituting it with a brown suit and tortoise shell eyeglasses. After rubbing on the subdermal refractors that would hopefully conceal his identity, he gathered up the necessary faxes and stowed them in his briefcase. Then he called for a taxi, which brought him to the offices of Mucho Burger, America. It was more like a college campus than a corporate headquarters; as the fastest growing restaurant chain in the country had taken to training its store and shift managers on site in a university setting. The faux-Spanish bungalows that housed the classrooms didn’t interest Dominic, however, nor did the glass and steel skyscraper that served as Mucho Burger’s business office. It was the half-acre, five story (with three underground levels, two more than were on file with the Oak Brook Planning Commission) concrete building labeled “Research and Development” that Mr. Epitome stopped at.

“Excuse me,” he told the lobby’s security guard, “I need to speak to the person in charge.”

Epitome did a quick molecular scan of the man with his enhanced vision, “Someone who is not comprised of genetically modified calcium byproducts.”

That was a cue for the Curdish Soldiers on site to metastasize into their assault configurations, massive, featureless bipeds with great strength and powerful, bludgeoning limbs. They tried to use these abilities to subdue the Man of Might, which turned out to be a big mistake.

*****


The desk nurse looked warily at the man’s identification. As an eleven year veteran of the PhantomHawk Memorial staff, three in its Intensive Care Unit, Mildred Putnam had had a lot of badges put in her face, but something was wrong with this one’s picture. The bland expression, the vacant smile, the implausible eyebrows, these were clues that something was off. Perhaps the man was an imposter, because Special Agent Reynard Muldrake didn’t carry himself like a member of the Office of Paranormal Security.

“So, uh, there you are. My credentials,” Muldrake clapped his hands, “Let’s get this show on the road, shall we?”

“Of course, sir once I contact the OPS field office and confirm your paperwork, I’ll have you meet with Dr. Sakir and see about signing the patient out.”

Visionary smiled, fighting his queasiness. He knew what was supposed to happen: the OPS switchboard would approve his documentation, as Epitome had hacked into the organization’s mainframe and placed the mission’s particulars in the system temporarily. The orders would be deleted afterwards, to clear the paper trail.

The doctor was more of a problem. Glory told him the injuries to Artemis were serious, and a physician might be unwilling to release her into Visionary’s custody. He might have to “press” the man into compliance. And “pressing” wasn’t something Visionary was particularly good at.

*****


“Thank you,” Mr. Epitome accepted a towel from his host, which he used to wipe his hands clean of a Curdish Soldier’s brain stem.

“No, thank you. I didn’t get a chance to field test my latest batch of bio constructs yet,” the young woman in the lab coat sniffed, “I should have sent out the Battle Bovines.”

“That would have been a mistake. I didn’t come to fight,” Dominic looked about the office/laboratory.

“Yes, you wanted to talk,” Doctor Moo II leaned back in her leather chair and placed her cow boots on her desk, “So talk.”

“I represent certain parties who are interested in hiring your genetic donor. You are a clone of Doctor Waltz, are you not?”

“Yes: I’m Oiad- well, I haven’t chosen a surname, yet. Still looking for inspiration. And you are?”

Epitome turned down the opportunity to identify himself. The girl rolled her eyes.

“What’s the job?”

“We have recently acquired cell samples of a man named Virgil Salvage.”

She appeared impressed, “The immortal caveman guy. And I bet you’re looking for a way to replicate his powers.”

“That is correct.”

“In exchange for what?” Oaid got to the particulars.

Mr. Epitome pulled several documents from his briefcase, “Several things, actually. First, my employers will not green light the 58 separate investigations that the FDA, the FTC, OSHA, and other regulatory agencies have pending against Mucho Burger.”

Moo II flipped through the proffered list of indictments and shook her head, “What kind of replica to a notorious super villain would I be if I let myself be bullied by petty lawsuits?” she chortled.

“There are additional incentives: our research indicates that Mucho Burger exists solely for the purpose of generating income, presumably to fund your donor’s research, a cash cow, as it were. Since Dr. Waltz does not have a hidden agenda we are willing to grant the company exclusive rights to sell its product in several public school districts. That would mean additional revenues in the tens of millions of dollars,” he handed Oiad a business prospectus.

“Money isn’t everything,” she pointed out.

“I agree whole-heartedly. The best reason to help us did not seem to require explanation. This is an opportunity to develop a cure for all diseases, injuries, and even aging. Solving the mystery of Salvage’s DNA would be the greatest medical triumph in history. Man could finally defeat the last enemy.”

“Death,” Oiad checked. After Dominic nodded she sighed, “I can think of several drawbacks to that plan, starting with the fact if we can put immortality in a bottle Earth will become overrun with mouth-breathing, slack jawed, doody heads.”

“There are other planets in the Parodyverse,” he replied with a slight but confident smile.

“Ooh, I like a Mister E-man who thinks big. Count me in.”

His eyes narrowed, “We need the expertise of your genetic donor.”

“You got it right here,” Oiad leaned even further back in her chair and twinned her fingers around the back of her neck, “I’m just as breathtakingly brilliant as Daio, without the drawback of being on SPUD’s Ten Most Wanted list.”

The clone had a point, “Very well, but this arrangement is wholly dependant on the contingency that you can in fact isolate whatever it is in Salvage’s genes that grant him his abilities.”

Oiad (Last Name Pending) smiled. It was past time for her to show the Parodyverse what this Moo could do.

*****


Visionary gaped when he saw the extent of Artemis’s injuries. The young woman had one leg in an elevated cast and another in a splint, both of her arms were wrapped in bandages and her face was a collection of contusions and ugly purple bruises. She was conscious, though, and lolled her head in the Legionnaire’s direction when he walked in with Dr. Sakir.

“As you can see, she is in no condition to move,” he said.

“Uh, uh, yeah, but it’s got to be done. OPS is tracking reports that Artemis, er, the suspect is in danger.”

“The police have supplied protection,” Sakir noted the pair of officers posted outside the room.

“Not good enough. In the interest of… national security, she needs to be removed now.”

“It is too risky. I have an obligation to my patient.”

Charlotte spoke up, “What’s going on?”

Dr. Sakir looked at the young woman kindly, “This man is an agent with the Office of Paranormal Security and he wishes to transfer you out of the hospital.”

“Then do it.”

Both men were surprised by the forcefulness of her response. Sakir shook his head.

Visionary knew it was time to get tough. Glory had provided him with an extensive dossier on Dr. Sakir, having found out he was the physician who had treated her from the hospital’s computerized records. She also relayed to him a strategy for dealing with the man, but he had hoped it would be unnecessary. That was not to be. Taking a deep breath and making a conscious effort to look as menacing as possible, he told the doctor:

“I want you to look at my orders, Doctor Sakir. See who signed off on them: Mr. Epitome, who could just as easily be called Dr. Epitome because he is in fact a medical doctor, a graduate of Harvard Medical School. Not East Paradopolis University, Doctor Sakir. And he thinks it is an A-1 Priority to relocate the suspect immediately. So, here’s what I’m going to do if you don’t let me do my job, OK? I’m going to call Mr. Epitome, and tell him you’re being uncooperative. That you are impeding an official OPS investigation that involves national security and then you know what happens? You get his attention, Dr. Sakir. You get the man who answers directly to the President of the United States undivided attention.”

Visionary fought the urge to shake after making this speech.

“That sounds like a threat.”

“It’s advice,” the possibly fake man’s voice cracked, “Very good advice.”

Dr. Sakir took the advice to heart and signed the consent form. Then he called some orderlies to prep Charlotte for the trip.

Visionary, meanwhile, went to the bathroom. He needed a quiet, cool place to sit down.

*****


Gihei Ariyoshi knew when he was being insulted, and when Akiko Masamune chose to meet the saiko-komon of the Yakuza Spider Clan while painting in her indoor garden, she was insulting him.

“Greetings, Mistress Masamune,” he bowed humbly before the stern looking woman in the salmon pantsuit.

“Gihei,” the crimelord said absently as she dabbed a brush into her watercolors, “You look well. How are your brothers?”

The man flinched at the informal greeting. He shouldn’t have been surprised, though: everything about Masamune was unorthodox. The very fact that a woman was oyabun to a Yakuza family spoke volumes to this effect. The importance given to home decorating was another cue. He answered in a tone just slightly discourteous, “They are fine. My uncle is fine as well.”

“Ah, the Kumoyabun is awake? And in Paradopolis?”

“He goes where the family goes, Mistress.”

Akiko smiled and removed her artist smock. Folding it neatly over her chair, she stood and began walking towards a nearby table. A pair of servants picked up her easel and paints and whisked them away. Others came to pour tea for the mistress of the house and her guest.

“We best get right to business. I have spoken to the families back in Japan, who have filled me in on your clan’s reasons for leaving Tokyo.”

“There just seemed to be more opportunity in Paradopolis, Mistress. We have heard that the American criminal families are falling apart.”

“Perhaps, but this city has a tendency to draw to it the more… colorful denizens of the Parodyverse. There may be more to your relocation than what first appears.”

Gihei said nothing.

“It does not matter, though. My concern is how you plan on comporting yourself in Paradopolis.”

Gihei decided to play down his clan’s activities for now, “My brothers and I have begun looking at businesses on the outskirts of Manga Town. Some groceries, nightclubs-”

“Ah, yes. You managed to muscle your way in to The Golden Lantern. I have never been, but my weekend chauffeur tells me it was a ghastly place.”

“We plan on renovating the premises. Turn it into a first class operation,” the advisor to the Yakuza Spider Clan smiled.

“How entrepreneurial. And what else to you plan on running out of there? Drugs? Prostitution? Gambling? Or a little of all three?”

“Hopefully not a little,” Gihei’s smile grew wider.

Akiko fought back the urge to have this street thug decapitated. It had been a long time since the woman had been forced to deal with this aspect of her business, but the Spider Clan was an old family, steeped in tradition, and very, very dangerous. They were her responsibility, “You will kick up 25% of your earnings to my organization. Etsuya, my valet, will work out a payment schedule with you.”

“Twenty five percent!”

“Be thankful it is not more. Your family has come to my city unannounced and uninvited. You have taken over businesses under my protection. These actions bring dishonor to the name Ariyoshi,” she sipped her tea placidly.

“Yes, mistress. Your terms are acceptable,” for now, Gihei added to himself.

“Good. Now there is one other matter: your wakashu have been involved with a running battle with one of the city’s vigilantes,” Akiko began.

“The archer, yes, but she attacked us!”

“I do not doubt it. The heroes of the Parodyverse tend to have a reckless streak. But I advise caution: killing one of their number can have very disastrous consequences, as they tend to rally together in times of crisis. Superheroes make our families seem positively estranged.”

“I will keep that in mind,” Gihei stood, bowed, and left. Though he did not ask permission, a sign, as if one was needed to Akiko, that he and his clan would be testing their limits as time went on.

*****


The Phantom Hawk orderlies were a bit surprised that Agent Muldrake did not have any medical personnel in the ambulance waiting for Artemis, but these were men paid by the hour and not interested in getting in an argument with a government agent. So they placed her in the back and shut the rear door. Visionary jumped in the front seat of the vehicle and started the engine. Looking back, he tried to look confident.

“Hi. Uh, we’re in the home stretch now. Almost done.”

Charlotte looked up at him, “Epitome sent you, right?”

“Yes. Well, Glory did actually. Once we pull out of the lot we’re going to stop and pick her up and Gahh!!”

There was a burst of green light and Hallie appeared in the passenger seat.

“Visionary! I can’t believe you did that!”

“Hey, Hallie. Uh, did what?”

“Threaten that poor doctor! The man was just doing his job,” she folded her arms and eyed her friend critically.

“Wait, you heard that?” as he put the car in drive

“Wait,” Charlotte asked weakly, “You’re Visionary? And you’re Hallie? As in the Lair Legion?”

“I certainly did. I’ve been following you since you left the mansion!”

Visionary loosened his tie in hopes that would reduce his discomfort, “Even in the bathroom?”

“I can’t believe Dominic sent the Lair Legion to get me,” Charlotte sounded impressed, “Where is Dominic?”

“That’s an excellent question,” Hallie said, “Once Fleabot told me what was going on I tried to contact him on his comm. card but he’s not responding.

She looked out the window and opened the door, “And you,” she pointed to where Glory waited at a street corner, “You’re the smart one. Why did you let this happen?”

Glory hung her head, “It was a sound plan.”

“It would have been much easier if you simply told us what was going on,” Hallie replied as the Mutt of Might slunk in.

“You can understand what Glory’s saying?” Visionary asked.

“Sure. Her language is derived from various permutations of only 35,000 sounds and body movements. That’s child’s play. Now, this is what we’re all going to do. We’re going to drive back to the mansion, fill everybody in what’s going on, and then get in touch with Mr. Epitome so he can try to explain himself,” Hallie decided.

“Dominic has a safe house he wants Artemis to be brought to,” Glory offered somewhat lamely.

“No.”

Charlotte spoke again, “I really don’t know what’s going on here, but a trip to Lair Mansion sounds cool.”

Hallie looked over her shoulder at the young woman. She gave her a comforting smile, “I think you’ll like it. Let us know if you’re in any pain, OK, Artemis?”

Charlotte nodded and closed her eyes. The ambulance, lights blazing, turned onto the street and sped off. A slim Japanese man walked out of the lot and watched it go.

“Change of plans. She’s in an ambulance traveling North on Broome’s Boulevard.”

“How big’s her escort?”

“I saw just one guy.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, man.”

“Fine. We’re on it.”

And three blocks a way a pair of SUVs pulled into in the evening traffic, quickly accelerating in order to meet up with their quarry.

Next: A gun battle on the streets of Paradopolis. Artemis at Lair Mansion. An ultimatum from the Grey Eminence. And Fleabot goes to Badripoor. Out hopefully this weekend.

Eternal Footnotes of a Spotless Mind


Dr. Moo I and II: Way, way back in Mr. Epitome #8 (or #9) I had a story where Tech-Spectre snatched a sample of Virgil Salvage’s stem cells from the villain, while they were still in his body. Then, TS was sent on a mission to find Dr. Daio Waltz, master geneticist, in order to persuade her to see if she could develop a method that duplicated the immortal villain’s powers. Now, at one point I asked HH for help on how to solve this subplot and he offered the neat idea of having Dr. Moo’s clone be the character encountered, so I stole the idea, down to her suggested name. Given how the original has shown up recently in Untold Tales, and is still on the lam(b), I thought I’d still use the clone, and have her run a Parodyverse version of McDonald’s to help her genetic donor with funding. The Battle Bovines were mentioned as recently as Untold Tales #191, and the Curdish Soldiers were a version of something that Moo used in an Lair Legion Chapter One stories when (I think) she crashed one of Sersi’s parties.


Akiko Masamune: is one of the more competent villains in the PVB, and I hope I portrayed her correctly here. A yakuza crimelord, she is very non traditional when compared to the “real” yakuza, something I hoped this story highlighted. More explanations of the yakuza in general and the Spider Clan in particular when Visionary visits Akiko for a light lunch and some answers. And, since I didn’t mention it above, all of her and Gihei’s conversation was in their native Japanese.






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